All I want is a plus sign…

30 Oct

Last cycle my period was a week late. I took at few at home pregnancy tests and they were all negative, but I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. I went to the doctor (not my regular OBGYN) who didn’t make me feel any better when she told me I was stressing myself out and that I needed to relax in order to get pregnant (ok, doc, let me get right on that whole changing my personality thing and thanks for making me feel like this is all my fault). They did a blood test and told me they’d call with results. The next day I got my period. The day after that, I made an appointment with a therapist.

Now, I am 12 days late. I have taken 3 tests over the past week and a half and they have all been negative. No period, no positive, no help from the doctor (I will go back if I haven’t gotten it by Monday). I’m feeling lost. I don’t know why this is happening. I’m trying my best to just keep moving forward and not worry about it, but I’m a worrier. I’d give anything for a little plus sign. I don’t need a home make-over, I just need some reassurance that it will all be ok… that nothing is wrong with me… that I will get pregnant one day…

I’ve always had very regular cycles, never more than a day or two late. I was on the pill from age 21 to age 27, but I have been off for over 7 months now, so it shouldn’t have anything to do with it. I can handle not being pregnant right now. I know we have plenty of time to have kids. If I was getting my period on time, I would be a little disappointed, but I’d know that things were working and we just needed to keep trying. But this whole over a week late thing? It is a huge tease. I try not to think about it, but it’s hard. I can’t help but think I’m either pregnant or that something is wrong.

What’s worse? Knowing that for some people, it is so easy. There are the pregnant students who I see in the halls at school. 15 year olds who had sex without protection and boom: pregnant. The blogs I read who only tried for a month or two (or not at all) and now they have beautiful babies. The friends who had no trouble conceiving at all and are working on baby number two. My mom and 2 aunts who all got pregnant later in life without trouble.

I’m supposed to be a mom. It is all I have ever really wanted to be. I became a teacher because I wanted a job that would allow me to be around for my kids and have all their breaks off. I did everything right: bought a house in a nice neighborhood with families up and down the block, married an amazing guy who can’t wait to have kids, waiting a year after our wedding to start trying because we wanted our marriage to be solid before adding the stress that a baby can bring…

Sometimes, I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m letting my husband (and myself) down.

Then I knock some sense into myself. I tell myself it is going to be ok. My husband loves me and he knows it will happen. Why can’t I be more like him?

6 Responses to “All I want is a plus sign…”

  1. Laura Allen October 30, 2010 at 10:58 pm #

    Everyone is different and even women who thought they weren't capable of becoming pregnant sometimes eventually do. Don't beat yourself up and what is meant to be will happen. Love you!!

  2. MICHELLE October 31, 2010 at 4:50 pm #

    That's very odd to be late with no period and a negative test result, but I have heard of it happening! I've even heard of women being pregnant but get negative test results too. You are going to make an amazing Mommy someday, I know it. It must be extra frustrating to be late with no reason! I love you lots and lots and am always here if you want to talk. Anytime. Xoxo.

  3. Jakeandjess October 31, 2010 at 5:43 pm #

    ..and that's why you married that sweet man of yours. I think part of finding your mate is finding someone who is the opposite of you in many ways to help give balance to your life. I know that Jake has done that for me.I think therapy will be a great release for you. It was for me. I learned not to over analyze things and to take a moment or two to breathe. I agree with Michelle, you will be a fab momma! Looking forward to future play dates, x-mas cards, and silly stories from you.: )

  4. Cameron November 2, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    it will happen. dont worry. youre DESTINED to be a kick ass mom. when the time is right, it will happen.

  5. KatherineBee November 2, 2010 at 11:08 pm #

    I'm so sorry it's been so frustrating – You are going to be an amazing mom and I hope it hurries up and happens for you already!

  6. Michelle August 31, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    Just re-read this post as it came up recommended below your announcement post. It's here!!! I can't tell you enough how excited I am for you. I can't stop saying it, I wish I had a better way of expressing my happiness for you. I'm looking forward to babysitting, playdates, birthday parties and lots of mommy chatter. Love all THREE of you tons and tons. ❤ Me.

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