18 Nov

I’ve been seeing someone and it isn’t my husband.

Yes, I’ve been seeing a therapist. And I think I’m in love.

After I had a semi-major breakdown at work on the second week of school, I decided I should check out my mental health benefits. I had been wanting to go back to therapy (I saw a therapist for a while in high school) for a while, but it took be losing my s–t at work for me to finally make the call. At only $10 per visit, I could definitely afford this minor expense to try to fix my major problems.

What do you see?

I’m not sure if you’ve figured this out yet, but I have issues. I have daddy issues, abandonment issues, control issues, anxiety issues, self-esteem issues… and more where that came from. Last week, I cried every other day. Literally. Why? Because every time I think about babies or pregnancy or my period that is now over a month late, negative blood pregnancy test and all, I have a physical reaction and start crying. At my last therapy session, we finally figured this out. It isn’t that I’m dwelling on the fact that things aren’t going well in the baby-making department (though sometimes I do dwell, not denying that), it is that I have a Pavlov’s dog type reaction that I have a very hard time controlling. It doesn’t help that everyone tells me I have to calm down and relax in order to get pregnant. All that does is make me feel worse about myself – like it is all my fault and if I could just magically flip my “relax” switch, I’d get pregnant in an instant. 

A couple of sessions ago, my therapist suggested I try meditation so that I could clear my head and stop the cycle of worry that leads to an anxiety attack – or losing my s–t. I checked out some books on meditation and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to clear my mind on my own. As I was reading, I remembered the guided relaxation I always loved at the end of the yoga classes I used to take when I went to the gym.

DUH! Yoga! That’s kind of like Oprah’s “Ah-ha!” moment, but Amy style.

So, I went down to my former gym and signed back up. I feel like I can’t really afford the extra $35 per month, but I know it will work out somehow; it always does. I took a mat pilates class on Tuesday and a yoga class on Wednesday and I already feel SO much better. I feel more at peace and I haven’t cried in at least 4 days.

Here’s an update on what’s going on with my screwed up cycle and baby-making plans: I went to the doctor last Thursday and had a blood test which was negative. I’m having another test today just to make sure I’m not pregnant. If all is clear, he will most likely give me something to start my period (oh joy). He also said that he would prescribe me clomid with this next cycle. However, after discussing it with my (wonderfully supportive and completely un-crazy opposite of me) husband, we decided to hold off on fertility treatments/drugs for now. I’d like to just take the next few months to get in shape – both physically and mentally – and start charting my basal body temperature to see if my body will go back to normal on its own. Then, if I feel like I want to try clomid at some point, I will. If not, I won’t.

I also went off caffeine last week. It has been fun at our house!

What do you do to keep yourself sane?

2 Responses to “Theraputic”

  1. MICHELLE November 18, 2010 at 6:49 pm #

    What gym, Total Women? We should take a class together!! I loove Pilates, but they don't have a mat class at a convenient time so I do a Pilates Barre class on Mondays at 730pm, all using the ballet bar in the back. Glad to hear you are feeling better and therapy / exercise is working. Just know that you are surrounded by a lot of people that love and care for you, and support you always. K? I love the idea of charting your temps, I really enjoyed doing that before. Xoxo, Me

  2. Bethlin January 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    I HATED charting my temps, but I did it anyway for 6months. Then when the RE told me I could stop, I hated not doing it. It eventually felt good to me to be able to quanitfy my situation AND to feel like I was doing something at the beginning of everyday to move forward and try to have a baby. Which was weird, but nice.On the other hand, I probably also spent wayyyy too many months "just" charting when I should have sought out an RE and gotten started with treatment (I was off birth control for over 2 years before I went in to the doc). And I luuuuuuuurved my therapist last summer when panic attacks threatened to come back and destroy my life again (they only threatened this time, but they were a holy terror a few years ago). It was only a few months for me, but it's so so so nice to have someone objective to talk over your problems with.

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