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>Reflective

31 Jan

>In teacher school, one of the major buzzwords was “reflective” teaching. The idea behind this is that teachers should be continuously thinking about what they are doing in the classroom and changing what isn’t working. This way, teachers don’t get stuck in that rut of just recycling the same assignments year after year without adapting them to the students’ needs.

While I can get in teaching ruts, I think I’m pretty good at being reflective. I rarely do the same exact thing twice. I’m always changing things up and trying to improve my craft. I also try to apply this to my life outside of teaching. That’s one of the reasons I love therapy so much. If something is bothering me about my life, I make a mental note and bring it up at therapy. This usually leads to me making changes about how I act and react in certain situations.

For example, one thing that I’ve noticed about others and myself, is that we say we’ll do something and then complain about it. Yes, I will babysit but, oh I wish I was doing x instead. Or, yes I’ll go to that fancy dinner, but oh I really can’t afford it. Since I can’t change how other people make choices, I’m just going to change how I do. If I’ve been really looking forward to my yoga class and someone asks for a favor that would prevent me from going, I politely say no. If there’s an event that I’d love to be a part of, but I just can’t afford it, I nicely decline. If I said yes to these things, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from complaining and that’s not pleasant for anyone involved. I don’t believe this is selfish of me, but I can see that someone might think that it is. Oh well for them!

That’s something else I’m working on: oh well! I’m trying to stop myself from getting so worked up about what others do or think or say. I need to worry about them less and focus on my reactions. Oh well is now my new mantra.

I’m far from perfect and I’m not striving for perfection. I’m just trying to be the best “me” that I can be. I know  that I can change because I’ve done it so much lately. I also know I’ve never be done reflecting and changing.

ps
I’m coordinating a wedding in September and the bride wants me to do her flowers as well! I love flowers, so here’s my favorite inspiration picture from The Knot:

Her colors are red, orange, and yellow. I think this bouquet is a lovely twist on that fall palette!

#reverb10: Wisdom

10 Dec

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

 Photo from Oh Joy

The wisest decision I made this year was probably deciding to see a therapist. My co-pay is only $10 and I go every two to three weeks. As a result of therapy, I also re-joined the gym and have been taking yoga and pilates classes a few times a week. I feel more centered and less crazy and that’s always a good thing!

Theraputic

18 Nov

I’ve been seeing someone and it isn’t my husband.

Yes, I’ve been seeing a therapist. And I think I’m in love.

After I had a semi-major breakdown at work on the second week of school, I decided I should check out my mental health benefits. I had been wanting to go back to therapy (I saw a therapist for a while in high school) for a while, but it took be losing my s–t at work for me to finally make the call. At only $10 per visit, I could definitely afford this minor expense to try to fix my major problems.

What do you see?

I’m not sure if you’ve figured this out yet, but I have issues. I have daddy issues, abandonment issues, control issues, anxiety issues, self-esteem issues… and more where that came from. Last week, I cried every other day. Literally. Why? Because every time I think about babies or pregnancy or my period that is now over a month late, negative blood pregnancy test and all, I have a physical reaction and start crying. At my last therapy session, we finally figured this out. It isn’t that I’m dwelling on the fact that things aren’t going well in the baby-making department (though sometimes I do dwell, not denying that), it is that I have a Pavlov’s dog type reaction that I have a very hard time controlling. It doesn’t help that everyone tells me I have to calm down and relax in order to get pregnant. All that does is make me feel worse about myself – like it is all my fault and if I could just magically flip my “relax” switch, I’d get pregnant in an instant. 

A couple of sessions ago, my therapist suggested I try meditation so that I could clear my head and stop the cycle of worry that leads to an anxiety attack – or losing my s–t. I checked out some books on meditation and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to clear my mind on my own. As I was reading, I remembered the guided relaxation I always loved at the end of the yoga classes I used to take when I went to the gym.

DUH! Yoga! That’s kind of like Oprah’s “Ah-ha!” moment, but Amy style.

So, I went down to my former gym and signed back up. I feel like I can’t really afford the extra $35 per month, but I know it will work out somehow; it always does. I took a mat pilates class on Tuesday and a yoga class on Wednesday and I already feel SO much better. I feel more at peace and I haven’t cried in at least 4 days.

Here’s an update on what’s going on with my screwed up cycle and baby-making plans: I went to the doctor last Thursday and had a blood test which was negative. I’m having another test today just to make sure I’m not pregnant. If all is clear, he will most likely give me something to start my period (oh joy). He also said that he would prescribe me clomid with this next cycle. However, after discussing it with my (wonderfully supportive and completely un-crazy opposite of me) husband, we decided to hold off on fertility treatments/drugs for now. I’d like to just take the next few months to get in shape – both physically and mentally – and start charting my basal body temperature to see if my body will go back to normal on its own. Then, if I feel like I want to try clomid at some point, I will. If not, I won’t.

I also went off caffeine last week. It has been fun at our house!

What do you do to keep yourself sane?

Roller Coaster

21 Sep

My mom, brother and I went to Fresno this past weekend to visit my grandpa and the rest of our family that lives there. One of the most prominent land marks that we pass on the way there and back is Six Flags. We always try to find the rides that are going and watch them in their ups, downs, and loopdy-loops. Speaking of roller coasters, I’ve been riding one of the emotional variety lately.

Found here.
The biggest drop happened yesterday morning at work and I ended up sobbing uncontrollably to our poor school secretary. That afternoon, I decided to find out if therapy (of the psychological variety) is covered under my insurance. It is! Yay! Now I’m calling around to find one that fits for me and my needs.
You might be thinking I’m overreacting – one emotional breakdown doesn’t mean I need therapy – but I’ve actually been meaning to do this for a while. I used to see someone when I was in high school and I really feel like I need that objective third party to help me learn how to deal with life. I can get very overwhelmed and very over-emotional and sometimes mildly depressed and I’m not afraid or opposed to talking to someone who might be able to teach me how to better myself. I know that therapists don’t solve problems, they help you learn how to deal with them.
Design show update: we made it through the next round of casting! Hopefully, we will know for sure in the next week or two. The anticipation is killing me!!